Being Away

Boy, it’s been a while!

I feel like I fell off the face of the Earth for a bit, in more than one way, and haven't quite come back yet.

I hadn’t touched a paintbrush since November - that is until last month. It was a perfect storm of external circumstances and project fatigue.

On my desk, I had a 9-model Blood Bowl team of Underworld Denizens. A mix of Skaven and Goblins painted in the cream, red, and gold inspired by the Washington Commanders.

I was slap-bang in the middle of changing jobs and took a week off to recuperate, re-calibrate, and reengage before starting in a place of much grander responsibility. During that week I did hardly anything but paint; the team is 80% of the way to completion, and that’s exactly where it’s at to this very day.

Before I knew it my start date came, and with it, the trappings of changing a job: meeting new people, learning new systems and skills, following new protocols, working new hours! (Until that point I was blessed with a 4-day work week).

Then Christmas happened and I quickly found myself getting home from work, eating my dinner, and going to sleep out of sheer exhaustion.

I dipped out of my local game nights, I was ill a couple of times, I missed a tournament or two, and all the while I sat there, looking at my unfinished Blood Bowl team with a mixture of dread and loathing.

I had the realization that what we consume (both food and content-wise) we become.

So I stepped away from social media.

Facebook got uninstalled, and so did Instagram (and with it my hobby account). Reddit quickly followed that and I felt a sense of relief from being bombarded by advertisements, news that filled me with dread and anxiety and a general feeling of ‘what’s the point of even trying’, and the odd, shit opinion of my local town pensioner about someone parking on double yellows without a blue badge.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to be more mindful and selective of what, and who has access to my attention and my brain, so it felt like a step in the right direction.

I realized that I didn’t have to have a fully formulated and solidified opinion on everything that’s going on locally and globally - in fact, I didn’t even have to have a vague opinion. I thought I’d just stick to the things that actually affect me, and my life got easier.

I had more time to read and nap and look after my plants, but I also gained this sort of distant apathy towards the things that I used to enjoy. It didn’t feel like the familiar bout of depression - I got more joy from seeing a nice sunrise than I did from opening a box of sprue; it’s like my priorities just shifted.

But being on the other end of the spectrum and spending most of my time quietly alone in introspective thought quickly settled me into a routine in which I felt that something fundamental was missing. I was highly functioning, getting things done at home and work, but everything felt sort of dull and I often found (and still find) myself thinking, “This can’t be all there is now”, like adulthood finally crushed me.

And yet… there was that bastard almost finished Underworld team that made me feel like I’d rather eat my own shoes than pick up a paintbrush and finish it, never mind actually playing a game of Blood Bowl.

In the meantime the final of my Blood Bowl League happened - I went almost straight from work, exhausted and not all there consciously, but it was a moment of a slight shift. Being around it made me, sort of, less indifferent to it.

So I got to work and over the next couple of weekends, I smugly placed my Underworld Denizens team in one of my many Really Useful Boxes and took out two goblins and an Ork Warboss.

I settled for the old trick of painting something that feels mildly interesting, the added bonus being, that when I finished the Goblins I had another Blood Bowl team done as I could now play Black Orcs in 7’s. Win-win.

I put on a hobby podcast and when I started painting I was very slowly reminded of why it’s good for me to do it, even if I don’t feel like it. It’s one of the few instances where I am so absorbed in something that my brain goes quiet and time dissipates.

Perfect flow state.

For that hour or two I got to take a break from everything and it was more effective than all the meditation or video game binging I’d usually resort to.

So I finished the Goblins, which made me want to finish my Dark Elf team, which then made me want to play a game or two (and just as well since Season 5 of my league is around the corner).

The Dark Elves did, indeed, get finished

And then I came back to the blindingly obvious realization that “you are what you consume” applies to this side of things also. If you don’t drink in the hobby, you don’t feel half as excited about it. And it’s a good hobby to have - the benefits are many, I might even write about them one day; the list really is long.

I hope that if you find yourself stuck in a liminal space in your life or in your brain, you’ll find some comfort in a gentle nudge to go and do something.

Even if you don’t feel like it - make a thing. Paint or read, or crochet or whatever; because people are supposed to feel passionate about something, otherwise life is a grey, foggy, shit trudge through knee-deep mud while being pelted with more shit.

It’s good to take a break sometimes, and in the world we live in now it’s a necessity more than a luxury, but you’ve got to be careful it doesn’t develop into indifference. Consume good things, read good books, listen to good podcasts, watch good movies. Follow up on the things that you find interesting because you never know where it might get you. Even if it is out of a temporary, fatigue-induced hole.

I’ll be writing up some different things soon, there’s a bunch of events coming up on the horizon and there are some projects that I’m in the mix of that might be interesting, so keep your ear to the ground.

Have a nice day, people. And be nice to each other.

D.S.